


it won't ever rise again (this midnight sun)

by kistachies (hqkaiden)



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Gen, Light Angst, character study-ish thing?? not really, honestly I have no clue what this is, spoilers for ep 7
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-03 11:04:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10965921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hqkaiden/pseuds/kistachies
Summary: hiraeth (n.) ;a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was.





	1. monachopsis

**Author's Note:**

> pls dont ask what this is bc idk??? eughghsdg
> 
> honestly idk why i wrote this i think i was just rlly in my taehyun feelings and this happened but.
> 
> i'm probably gonna turn this into a drabble series for taehyun + sungwoon + the rest of hotshot if i ever get the motivation to do so?? w/e enjoy this rlly short and rlly pointless Thing ig
> 
> my twitter: @ jisungsluv

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> monachopsis ;
> 
> _(n.) the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place, as maladapted to your surroundings as a seal on a beach—lumbering, clumsy, easily distracted, huddled in the company of other misfits, unable to recognize the ambient roar of your intended habitat, in which you’d be fluidly, brilliantly, effortlessly at home. ___

the showers are cold.

 

taehyun discovers this on their first night in the dorms. he steps under the showerhead, and proceeds to let out a high-pitched squeal. it leaves him shivering, and forces him to spend a mere five minutes in the shower before hurriedly turning off the water and wrapping himself in his towel. the ice-cold water freezes him to the touch, and even after he’s cuddled up under 4 blankets and one of hojeong’s hoodies, he still can’t shake the chills going through him.

 

the showers are cold, and taehyun is used to warm embraces.

 

he soon after discovers that the food is lukewarm.

 

it’s nothing spectacular, a bowl of rice with various proteins and vegetables. but when he takes a bite, he’s met with food that seems like it’s been sitting out for the longest while. it’s not cold, but it’s not hot, either--it’s that uncomfortable middle that makes one question whether it’s cooked thoroughly. it’s not the best, but he eats it anyway, pure hunger taking over by that point. but later on, he makes sure that sungwoon hears all his complaints about the food.

 

after all--the food is lukewarm and taehyun is used to hot meals.

 

the dorm rooms are absolutely freezing.

 

it’s the third night in the dorms, and it’s also the third night taehyun has been kept up by the whir of the air conditioner. it’s the middle of april, and while the days reach an average of around 65 degrees fahrenheit, the nights stay frigid, lingering at 40 and below. the thin blankets stolen from hotshot’s dorms do nothing the battle the temperatures, and right now taehyun wishes for nothing more other than to sneak into yoonsan’s bed to cure his own nighttime temperature tremors.

 

the dorm rooms are absolutely freezing, and taehyun is used to sleeping with a personal heater.

 

the trainers here are inhospitable.

 

it’s understandable--this is a survival show, after all. they aren’t here to help the trainees by giving them hugs and wishing them sweet dreams. they’re here to toughen the trainees up, to make them work and sweat and hurt and cry. taehyun knows this, but it’s still unfamiliar. it’s so different from the soft tones and touches he’s used to. it has him missing junhyuk’s comforting touch and gentle, lilting voice, helping him every time he messes up.

 

the trainers here are inhospitable, and taehyun is used to welcoming words.

 

everyone is loud.

 

this was to be expected, what with there being 101 of them and all. it’s especially loud when they’re all gathered together in a small waiting room, nervousness and adrenaline floating through the air. there’s constant chatter, and the occasional shouts and screams; it sounds absolutely chaotic. while he himself does join in on some conversations, more often than not taehyun finds himself missing how he could sit with moonkyu for hours, no words between them, yet each of them content.

 

everyone is loud, and taehyun needs a moment of silence.

 

one thing taehyun wishes he was used to, however, is how a few of the trainees stare at him like he’s a gift from the gods. especially when he dances.

 

it leaves him red up to his neck, and while he’s heard praises for his dancing before, it’s never been to this extent, or from his peers, either. he’s never really known that dancing could be so amazing to others. it’s just seemed so natural to him, like something that he just does. the praise feels like a bit of a light in a dark tunnel, if he’s being completely honest.

 

the light doesn’t last for long.


	2. meraki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meraki ;
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _(v.) to do something with soul, creativity, or love; to put something of yourself into your work. no matter how difficult a task, it is done with all your effort, with enthusiasm, with eagerness, with complete love; it is done with all your heart, a labor of love, so to speak. ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is, the second installment of this somewhat series!! i think i kind of like how this turned out a bit more than i did with the first one? altho i'm not very sure about this ending anyway
> 
> i'm not at all ready for the eliminations today and im extremely worried abt sungwoon and taehyun but. fingers crossed hh
> 
> also thank u all for the kudos + comments, they really truly are motivation and make my day 20x more wonderful !!!
> 
> i hope u all enjoy!!
> 
> my twitter: @ jisungsluv

it's almost 3 am, and taehyun knows he should be asleep.  
  
taehyun knows he should be asleep because he can feel how his limbs start to drag behind him, carrying the weight of the past two months. his thoughts blur together, and he can't quite seem to finish one without forgetting part of it.  
  
he knows he should be asleep, and yet here he is, still dancing, still standing, still distracting himself. it's absolutely futile.  
  
at this point, he doesn't even know what he's been distracting himself from—everything's become a bother, a stress. it even worries him to think about sungwoon, whom he's sure is having his own struggles. (taehyun feels guilty for it, too—it's caused him to avoid the younger, even with their ambiguous schedules. he'll have to make sure to apologize later on.)  
  
and he'd hope to forget those things, even if only for a bit, while dancing. but he's been here by himself for almost four hours now, and everything is still drowning him and no matter how many times he does this move he just _can't get it right, he should know this, he made the choreography so why can't he do this_ —  
  
he's sweaty, and out of breath. his shirt clings to him, and he's downing his water bottle in a mere few seconds. the bottle crinkles as he tries to get every last drop, eventually putting the cap on it and throwing it in the general area of the trashcan. (he misses. as expected—basketball was never his thing, if his height is anything to go by.)  
  
he sighs and slides down against the wall, squinting at the full-wall mirror across from him.  
  
he looks rough—his newly dyed hair sticks to his forehead and up in every direction. his face is flushed red, and his eyebags do not help the look, but instead, directs his gaze to notice how puffy and bloodshot his eyes are. it startles him, giving him a good jump. he's got color contacts in, a pair of light brown ones that he's been wearing for the past few days, even though they really don't change anything about his eyes. (but yoonsan had always insisted that the contacts made taehyun's eyes look like stars, and who is he to not believe it?)  
  
taehyun moves his eyes away from his face, instead looking at his own frame. even if it's not much, it's obvious being on this show has caused him to shed a few pounds. his cheeks aren't as full, and he's able to see a rib or two when he sucks in his gut—even if he does still have a bit of a tummy. used to, he could fit into the sleeveless jerseys just fine. but now he has to hold the straps together in the back to keep them from half-way slipping off his shoulders. and while he's in class a, the food isn't much—and it's even less when he's too exhausted to keep his eyes open, much less eat. (moonkyu had lost it when he and sungwoon came home for their little three-day break, clothes hanging off them like drapes. their meals for the next few days consisted of chicken, pizza, and plenty of other fattening foods that moonkyu could conjure up. taehyun still feels bad for worrying him.)  
  
and he'll be damned if it isn't taking a toll on him, being here. just the weight of his and sungwoon's situation is enough to make him crumble—but now he's the leader, and the center. he's got a whole team leaning on him, counting on him to do his best so that they can too—and while they’re competing for the dance position, it’s not exactly as easy as taehyun thought it would be. it's especially more difficult considering that some of his teammates aren’t dance-inclined, but he can deal. maybe.

 

and while he’s not really good at this whole teaching-and-helping-someone-improve thing, nor does he really like it, it makes him get a warm, swelling feeling in his chest when he finally sees sungwoo-hyung get the foot sequence right; and maybe he can't help the huge grin he gets when he sees justin and donghan subconsciously practice the handkerchief movements while they're walking back to the dorms; and it just relieves him so much to know that taedong and junwoo are picking up the choreography lightning fast.

 

and they may have had a few hiccups, especially during the midpoint check-in with the trainers, but they’ve fixed and improved things since then, so much that the trainers had nothing but positive words for them at the rehearsals.

 

so yeah, maybe not everything is so bad, but then he's reminded of how low he and a few of his team are ranking, and the thought that mnet could edit things to make them drop even further despite how well they're doing. it's a bad enough of a thought to make him quiver. (he can actually _hear_ hojeong mocking him for his fear of mnet’s editing team.)

 

he’s reminded of the way he acted when they were filming for episode three; and while he’ll admit that yes, most of that was his fault, one can’t deny that mnet definitely took advantage of the whole situation. he and the rest of his team resolved it, but it’s left a bitter residue in his mouth and taehyun is not fond of the idea of having to taste it again. he’s been a bit more hesitant this time around, but his team for this evaluation are moreso followers than they are anything else. he considers it a blessing.

 

in the most recent rankings, he was teetering dangerously close to the cut-off line, sitting at rank 32. to add onto it, donghan and sungwoo weren’t much better, at 34 and 31, respectively; justin and junwoo were all the way in the 40s and 50s, with taedong being the only member of his team somewhat safe at rank 28. looking at the way things are going, taehyun is positive that at least half of his team is getting eliminated, after all that they’ve done, how much they’ve improved, and he knows that _it’s not fair, not in the slightest_ —

 

the door to the practice room is thrown open, effectively frightening taehyun. in his surprise, he throws his head back, wincing when it hits the cinderblock wall behind him. he rubs his head, and further scrunches up his face when he hears a few loud screeches of _‘taehyun-hyung!’_

 

standing at the door is taedong, donghan, and junwoo, all breathing heavily as if they’ve just run 20 marathons.

 

taedong is the first to actually come into the room, throwing himself at taehyun. “hyung! there you are!”

 

taehyun groans at the sudden weight being dropped onto him, but doesn’t make an effort to shove the younger off of him. “what, what, what.”

 

“we were worried about you, hyung! do you know what time it is?” junwoo comes and sits himself right next to taehyun, leaning against his shoulder.

 

“yeah, i do. it’s late o’clock, and you all should be asleep, we have to perform tomorrow.” taehyun mumbles, giving a playful shove at junwoo’s forehead.

 

“it’s almost four am, hyung. and _technically_ , our performance is later today.” donghan quips from across them. “anyway, we noticed how late it was and realized you hadn’t come back yet—kind of started to get worried.”

 

“so of course we had to come check on you. what were we to do if something had happened to our dear leader the night before our performance? what a mess we’d be!” taedong is still splayed across taehyun’s lap, fiddling with the nametag across his torso.

 

“well, i’m alive and well, so problem solved.” he sighs. “are justin and sungwoo-hyung asleep, at least?”

 

junwoo nods. “justin was out like a lightbulb. but—taehyun-hyung?”

 

he hums. “what?”

 

“you don’t _look_ well.” junwoo looks at taehyun, genuinely concerned. taedong has spared him a glance too, mouth twisted up in some sort of frown-slash-grimace.

 

“honestly, hyung, you’ve been looking pretty rough for the past few days. aren’t you pushing yourself a bit too much?” donghan scoots closer, right in front of them now. “i mean, we get that you’re the leader _and_ the center, but you need sleep, too. you’re human, after all.”

 

“no, no. i’m fine. besides, if i’m not doing my best, then how can you all do your best? i have to make sure that i know what i’m doing first—does that even make sense? i don’t think i said that properly.”

 

taedong snorts, shaking his head. “hyung, when _aren’t_ you doing your best? you’re one of, if not the, best dancer here. honestly, you could just stand there and i bet you’d still be in the top 3. jungjung-hyung and eunki could dance all day long and still not rank as high as you.”

 

donghan laughs at that, falling against the floor. “the sad part is, that’s not even an exaggeration!”

 

taehyun can’t do anything but roll his eyes, a small grin breaking out at their antics. “okay, okay. so what if my posture beats popping? i still want to make sure the performance is good.”

 

“you made the performance, didn’t you? of course it’s going to be good. you should stop worrying so much, hyung. too much stress is bad for someone of your age.” junwoo stands and stretches, letting out what was supposed to be a yawn, but holds more semblance to a cat giving birth.

 

“hey, what are you trying to say? are you trying to say i’m old? huh, lee junwoo, huh?” taehyun jumps up from his spot, a playful lilt in his voice. taedong’s lets out a melodramatic whine as his head hits the floor, and it does nothing but add fuel to donghan’s laughter.

 

junwoo grins, sticking his tongue out at taehyun. “maybe, maybe not. except that i am!”

 

taehyun chases junwoo around the practice room for a good five minutes, and can’t help but stop to laugh when taedong puts out a foot to trip the younger.

 

(and he laughs again later on, when the group of them are walking back to the dorms. junwoo is chasing after taedong, the latter letting out high pitched squeals that could rival daehwi’s.

 

 _this must be how junhyuk-hyung feels when we’re all okay,_ he thinks. _it’s nice._ )

 

* * *

 

 

performance day is stressful. it’s like that for everyone. but having to sit and wait through almost every single performance, watching the responses, and worrying about your own? it grates on one’s nerves.

 

taehyun is no exception.

 

the whole time they’re waiting, he’s constantly fidgeting with his outfit and the handkerchief. but—he notices he’s not the only one either. as a matter of fact, all six of them can’t sit still; justin is moving from chair to chair, chatting with whomever; donghan and junwoo play so many rounds of rock-paper-scissors that taehyun has lost count; taedong, while typically good at hiding his nerves, is biting at his fingernails; and sungwoo is so quiet that taehyun would think he were asleep if not for his constantly-moving eyes.

 

all-in-all, the wait is torture for everyone. the audience included, too. they’re in the last batch of performances, and there’s no doubt that people are starting to get restless. his team is going next to last, and it worries taehyun to no end.

 

but, sooner than later, their turn comes. they’re called to standby, and taehyun gathers them all in one little circle. he stays quiet for a few moments, but then speaks.

 

“please, for the love of all that is good and well, have fun. i’d hate for this to be any of ours’ last stage and us not enjoy it. that’s all i ask of you.” taehyun glances up at the others, and when no one says anything, he takes it as a signal to keep talking.

 

“you’ve all worked hard—i’m beyond proud. let’s show everyone else how hard you’ve worked, okay?” everyone nods, giving some form of affirmation.

 

“‘center of you’ on three?” junwoo says. they all put a hand in the middle, giving a quiet chant of _‘1, 2, 3, center of you, fighting!’_

 

* * *

 

 

the performance happens so quickly that taehyun doesn’t even remember it. he feels like he’s in a daze for most of it, his mind zoning out and letting him naturally go through the motions. he doesn’t really register anything until they’ve finished and are standing in their poses—that’s when he hears the shouts, the _‘encore, encore!’_ echoing through the building. it renders him speechless.

 

it leaves him with a warm buzz that, when combined with the daze from the performance, has him riding on a high.

 

it’s a godly feeling.

 

(he hopes the others can feel it too.)

 

* * *

 

 

they walk off the stage with light hearts. everyone looks relieved, as if 70 pounds were just lifted off their shoulders. junwoo and justin carry the shouts of ‘encore,encore’ with them, bouncing around with big grins. taehyun’s heart swells at the sight.

 

they talk and talk, and can’t even bring themselves to be that upset when the countdown for the results pop up on the screen.

 

the results are as expected. taehyun takes first in his team, with taedong and justin following in second and third. donghan gets fourth, and junwoo is fifth, leaving sungwoo at sixth.

 

they hug and congratulate each other, and nothing can stop the bunch of them from bouncing around, still cheering at the thought of themselves.

 

(this is the greatest taehyun has felt in weeks.)

 

* * *

 

the waiting room is a mess when they get back. there’s shouts of _‘wow!’_ , _‘woah!’_ , and everything inbetween. they laugh it off and sit, but before taehyun can, sungwoon comes barrelling at him, arms capturing him in a tight hug.

 

sungwoon laughs and cries, saying how proud he is and how he never expected anything less, and he babbles on about so much more that all taehyun can do is laugh and hug him back.

 

jisung gives him a hug too, throwing a few playful comments at him. taehyun fires right back, and their exchange brings around a bit of laughter in the room. he sits and chatters a bit more, still thriving off the high from performing.

 

it doesn’t last for as long as he’d like it to.

 

an hour later, after the audience has left, finds all 60 of them out where they performed merely hours ago. they’re finding out the overall rankings for the evaluation, and taehyun’s heart is beating at a million miles per second.

 

they start with the rap position first. taehyun doesn’t pay much attention, just clapping when he has to. jonghyun gets first in rap, and taehyun isn’t surprised.

 

next, is vocal position. taehyun pays attention for this, mostly for sungwoon’s sake. he wishes they had started with the _‘downpour’_ team, but then at the same time he thinks it’s better that they saved them for last.

 

the vocal position results are a bit unsettling, and not at all what anyone was expecting. what surprises him the most is how low all of the ‘playing with fire’ members ranked, although gunhee's constant place at first is shocking as well.

 

he starts to fret for sungwoon’s rank.

 

sungwoon ends up ranking 20 out of 22.

 

(the look on sungwoon’s face just about broke his heart into pieces.)

 

finally, they get to the dance position.

 

taehyun is feeling restless at this point. the results of the last position put him on edge, and even though he’s one of the first place in the teams, there’s still the off-chance that his rank could be lower than them all.

 

haknyeon garnered a fairly large number of votes, even without being the center, and taehyun has to give him props for that. jungjung does as well, although it’s less than eunki and hwanwoong’s votes, putting him at fourth. taehyun suddenly isn’t sure of how he’ll fare now.

 

but, his team is next. taehyun holds his breath, repeating a mantra of _‘please, please’_ in his head. his hands are shaking, and the suspense is making him dizzy. all he can really think is what a shame it would be for _all this work to go to waste, for everything taehyun has done in his life up until now be put to shame by this_ —

 

taehyun takes first place. he takes first place, and really doesn’t know how to react. a mic is passed to him, and he hardly registers the question leeteuk asks him. he gives a general, kind-of-but-not-really-answering type of reply. he doesn’t want to get too excited, because _‘get ugly’_ team’s ranks haven’t been revealed and there’s too big of a chance for them to knock him down. that, he knows for a fact.

 

taehyun is pleasantly surprised when he hears that park woojin got first for _‘get ugly’_. considering the ranks of the other members of that team, it just seemed unlikely for woojin to snag first—although taehyun is glad he did.

 

but woojin is good, and it puts him on edge even more, because he knows woojin is fully capable of getting the overall first place. ( _he’s losing more and more hope by the second._ )

 

but—but then the result come out and taehyun is nothing but shocked.

 

he gets first, but what surprises him most of all is the fact that most of _‘get ugly’_ is at the very bottom, taking up the last few ranks. he doesn’t get much time to marvel over it, though, because a mic is being passed to him once again.

 

his answer doesn’t make much sense, but it’s the best he could come up with in his current state of mind. he passes the mic back to the staff and it’s only then, too, that he finally stops to look at how the rest of his team did.

 

taedong, justin, and donghan all rank 7th, 8th, and 9th. junwoo gets 11th, but what’s most startling  is that sungwoo is at _rank 13_ . _out of 24_. taehyun has to use his hand to stifle the giddy laugh that bubbles up from his throat. he feels nothing but pride about sungwoo and the others’ ranks. that’s his team—he taught them, led them, laughed with them and struggled with them and it’s paid off. they earned it. they earned it and so much more, and taehyun honestly owes them everything for how wonderful of a team they’ve been and—he’ll be sure to remind them of all of this multiple times for the next however long they have together.

 

(he’d be lying if he said he didn’t cry after it was all said and done.

 

after they’re back at the dorms, getting settled down for the night, taehyun sobs so hard the bed shakes and his pillow is soaked with tears.

 

for once, he can say it’s tears of joy.)


End file.
